Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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