By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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