Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize