rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
