Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
