The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Girls should come with a carfax report
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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