I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Come on in and take your pants off
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