She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
