The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
