My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Im part way to drunk.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
