I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
