The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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