I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
