The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
