its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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