census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
