the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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