have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
