My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
