Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I party with great urgency now.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
