Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You can't special order awesome
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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