I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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