So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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