Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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