trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
