Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
