I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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