I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
