'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize