I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
