Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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