Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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