you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
