her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
