Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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