11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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