when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
