I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
