So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
