She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize