Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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