I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
