I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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