i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
