A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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