I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
