remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
