You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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