Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
