Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
