I just gift wrapped bread.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize