Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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