I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
