I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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