ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
